ANGER MANAGEMENT

By Naturinda Henry 

Anger is a natural emotion given by God to every human being. It is one of the feelings that has to be controlled and expressed in the most appropriate way. Anger is generally the feeling stimulated in us to respond to the situation or the person that has provoked a certain kind of unease or pain within us. When our deeper felt wounds or guilt feelings are triggered, we tend to react. Most of us tend to respond to the event immediately which is not the best way but rather we should first identify and accept our anger and then make also the other person who might have triggered it aware of how we are feeling. Uncontrolled anger has so many effects on the individual and on the society. For example, at its worst it causes misunderstandings, frustration, hatred and conflicts in the society. Anger can paralyze one’s normal way of living and looking at things and if not dealt with appropriately, it can run out of control and explode. Sometimes in our communities, anger is expressed in passive ways like deciding to keep quiet, ignoring people, using abusive sign language, banging doors and breaking things. This is because we are not taught how to handle our anger right away from our background. Such behaviors affect our relationships with people whom we live with.

We all need to understand the feeling of anger and learn how to identify the ways in which it manifests itself in ourselves and this will help us to know the anger that is even in others. We therefore need to find ways of dealing with anger constructively. Knowing that everybody has this emotion helps us to accept it as part of our living. Anger can help us grow in relationship with people but it can also destroy our relationships if we are not careful with it. It is very necessary that we feel comfortable with it and this calls for our responsibility. Most of the times, our anger can be seen and noted through the tone of the voice, facial look, and the level of breathing. Anger can block one’s reasoning capacity and that is why in an angry situation, it is difficult for one to judge and reason properly. Repressed anger can cause depression and can also affect our self-esteem. It can even stimulate in us false guilty feelings that make us feel sad and hopeless in life. The bad thing of repressed anger is that It does not disappear but keeps on expanding and can manifest itself one day in a negative way. 

Expressing anger should not involve attacking or shouting at the person who provoked it. We need to accept our anger and treat it with respect because it cannot go away until it is accepted and dealt with. Denying our anger blocks our growth and prevents us from facing the reality of our lives. Anger in itself is not a sin but rather a necessary emotion for growth and for developing healthy human relationships in the society and can be the source of our energy if we allow ourselves to feel it and express it appropriately. The challenge to most of us is that we do not know how to recognize and name our anger and that is why we tend to repress it.

Within us, we have got some personal insecurities that make us keep a distance from others especially those close to us in order to seek for self-protection. This makes us defensive even when we are in wrong and we end up acting in unreasonable ways. In most of our communities, the common source of conflicts among members is power. We have the desire to be in control of everything because we want to be recognized as being great people in our communities. Our different personalities also create conflicts basing on our different backgrounds that involve different beliefs and customs which we hold on to. There are conflicts that happen within and are caused by what we believe in, our feelings, physical state, rigidity and low self-esteem. These bring competition in oneself in order to achieve the need and failure to reach the need creates anger in us. We can solve our conflicts amicably and mature through them only if we are ready and able to face them and solve them together as one. Conflicts can help us grow and come to an understanding of ourselves as long as we identify their source. The best way to experience conflicts and grow through them is to face them and talk about them in a gentle way. 

Confronting conflict situation is the best and healthy way to handle and manage our conflicts in a mature manner. I have to admit and own my conflicts and this involves sharing my feelings with others about the tensions I am going through. My conflicts may be either from within or from out and talking about the tensions I am facing in my life will help me resolve the conflicts, clarify the issues, and prevent undesirable guilty feelings. In confronting our conflicts therefore, we should avoid the attitude of proving that the other person is wrong but rather we should adopt healthy confrontation so that we can make our tensions and feelings known and this requires us to be honest to our feelings and to be clear in expressing them. This requires us to be responsible for our feelings and accept them as part of our life and this will help us to identify and name them without any tendency of justification. When we deny the responsibility of our conflicts, or when we don’t express our feelings, the conflict cannot be resolved because there is no openness. This therefore will require bringing in the third party who will mediate. In any conflict, we should not lose the meaning of love for people. Jesus faced many conflicts but never lost the sense of love for even those who confronted him. The life of Jesus reminds us that there is no life without conflicts. These conflicts maybe opportunities to start the healing process of our wounds.

In conclusion, sharing our emotional feelings and the conflicts we are undergoing, helps to change the negative attitudes we have about our feelings and to allow ourselves feel whatever we may feel. It also helps us to get rid of unnecessary emotions in our lives. We should integrate our emotional life with our spiritual life and be human as Jesus taught us how to be human and how to relate and this will help us reach maturity.